Sleeping with Bread

When did I feel most connected?
Last week I went to an evening Phillies game with some friends. We had a fun time, spending much of the game conversing and thereby missing some of the action. (I learned that Philly has a city flag and what it looks like.) There was one home-run scored by the home team!
G packed so much stuff—goldfish crackers, Tasty Cakes, animal crackers, two towels, two extra jackets, emergency rain ponchos—his bag was overflowing. It was a cool day and rain was forecast. Having lived in the Pacific Northwest I have a nuanced view on aqueous precipitation; I maintain that it did not rain rather it misted during most of the game with heavy mist driving off many spectators from the bottom of the sixth inning to the top of the eighth. Luckily we were in the nose-bleed seats and therefore under partial cover. R and I each ended up wearing one of G’s extra jackets by the end of the game, but the emergency rain ponchos went unused.
I was so tired by the time I got home (and did not want to get up when the alarm went off the next morning), but it was worth it.

When did I feel least connected?
I haven’t been feeling well for the past few weeks but was muddling along. Adding to that the stress of the upcoming start of school and everything else that’s been going on, I was so overwhelming on Friday that I cried through Mass—from the homily to when Father was ready to lock up the building. Fr G kindly listened to me for a while then walked me over to the hospital’s emergency department. I really didn’t need to be in the ED, but I was not about to argue with Fr G.
I hated sitting in the ED, especially the waiting. (You have to go through a metal detector, and they take all electronics away.) After a long time, during which I was seen by to two nurses, a resident and an attending physician and which I had tried to convince myself wasn’t actually that long (no visible clock), I was discharged with two prescriptions. One I’ve started taking; the other insurance won’t fill without prior authorization (which the ED cannot do). I have a follow-up outpatient appointment in a few weeks; hopefully I’ll be feeling better by then, but only time will tell.

Sleeping with Bread

For what am I most grateful?
I bought a desk this Saturday. It’s not exactly what I wanted, but it does have a large surface. I haven’t had one since the movers broke mine last fall, and it is no nice not to be using the card table in the dining room any more. Having a desk set-up to work at is a simple thing, and yet it feels so good.

For what am I least grateful?
I feel homesick. I know that technically I am home, but in my family home is where your mother lives. And for me that is quite far away. My high school reunion was this past weekend. While I can honestly tell you that I did not want to go, I do feel like I missed out. I haven’t asked my best friend from those years (the only person in the class that I still talk to) if she ended up going, but she’s the only one with whom I would like to hang out once again and she wasn’t sure if she would come. I didn’t go home for it because my mother would be leaving the day after I arrived, and I could not justify the time off and the travel expenses to spend a Saturday afternoon with the girls with whom I haven’t bothered to talk since the summer after we graduated. So I’m missing that sense of home, especially Mom and the “furry noses.”

Sleeping with Bread

What has brought me consolation? And what has brought me desolation?

I am at odds about my job. I am looking forward to teaching this fall, a lot. I am excited about planning for it and working with the students. But I am struggling with an issue that I conveyed to my supervisor a few months ago, that I am not doing the research that motivated me to pick this group over another, the work that my contract states that I am working upon. He replied that he thinks that what I’m working on is best for me, but that perhaps I might be able to do some work on that project eventually, on the side of this other project. This is not satisfactory to me; I’m not happy and feel like I’m being used, under the guise of ‘it’ll be better for your career.' So, I am considering what I want to do after this year, and how I want to proceed through this year. Even though I still will have one more year in this program, I’m not sure that I want to stay that long. Don't get me wrong... I like my boss; he's a nice guy. But what I though were mutual understandings about what I want for my career long-term doesn't seem to be playing out. While sticking it out is likely better career-wise than jumping ship, I don't want to continue living my life for some potential future happiness.

Grrrrrr...
I wish I were a bear.

Sleeping with Bread

When did I feel most alive?
I spent this past weekend staying with one of my best friends from college. While it has been a while since we’ve seen each other and our lives are very different, we have remained close and supported each other through difficult times. So it was so nice to be able to spend time together—being goofy and talking in person. On Saturday we met one of my best friends from graduate school (along with her husband) at the zoo. It was a hot afternoon and if we were thinking practically, we probably should have picked an indoor activity. But we enjoyed each others’ company thoroughly. (I’m glad they all got along.) It was a nice little vacation.

When did I feel most drained of life?
During the past week I attended a conference out of town and staying in a college dormitory. It was draining to be away from the comforts of home and sharing a room, when all I wanted to do after long days of talks and workshops was to do some reading and get to bed early.
The conference content was exciting to me professionally. (I referred to it at an academic pep rally in describing the atmosphere to someone, up-beat and enthusiastic.) I learned a lot and made many good connections (that I need to follow up on this week). However, the quantity of information was overwhelming. Sometimes I experiences difficulty mentally shifting-gears because I was presented with so much food-for-thought, and falling asleep at night took a while as a struggled to put many thoughts aside.

Sleeping with Bread

The examen, based on the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius, helps a person hold onto what spiritually nourishes him by looking at what is giving him consolation in his life or causing him desolation. It allows someone to express his gratitude to God for the good stuff and turn to him for solace for the bad stuff. It is quite simple. You simply ask yourself, in the last day/week/month what gave me consolation and what caused me desolation (or some other form of the question pair).



The desolation of the past month initially seems pretty obvious, but it is far more complex. I miss my brother and am mourning his passing. It hurts to see my family members hurting as well, especially my mother and sister. This is effecting my work and that is also disappointing. My lack of productivity is frustrating, but setting higher goals seems to lead to greater disappointment in myself when I fail to reach them.


The consolations of the past month are numerous as well. I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support my family and I have received. It was beautiful to see so many of my brother's friends and shipmates turn out to pay their respects. So many people have offered prayers for my brother, for me and for my family. Friends offer encouragement in little ways as well. One particularly bad/sad/frustrating day, one of my lab-mates told me, "Life may suck, but at least you don't suck at life."


I'm taking life one day at a time. But some days, even that is a mighty challenge.

Three

Last week I was battling procrastination, setting up plans to avoid falling into bad time management habits as this new school term begins. I mostly caught up on the outstanding list of things to do and quite please with my efforts. But alas, life has set me back once again.

I’m not a superstitious person. My mother will frequently mention whatever superstition fits the situation, so they frequently come to mind. There's a southern superstition that bad things, especially death, comes in threes. Apparently, when someone dies in the family or community, two additional deaths follow shortly thereafter. Last Monday a former colleague died, ending a year and a half long battle with cancer. On Wednesday a friend of mine found out that her pregnancy was actually twins, but that she had miscarried. And on Friday night my brother died suddenly and unexpectedly.

I have been incredibly consoled by the outpouring of love from family and friends. Those who have offered to tell others because I still cannot say it without crying are a blessing. The prayers and mass intentions offered for my brother and family are gratefully acknowledged. My employers are being understanding and flexible.

At this time, however, I feel lost. I don’t know what to say or do. Good sleep is elusive. Each day I cycle through such a huge range of emotions, hitting several frequently. I am exhausted, but I know that I am loved.

Wesoły i Sfrustrowany

The examen, based on the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius, helps a person hold onto what spiritually nourishes him by looking at what is giving him consolation in his life or causing him desolation. It allows someone to express his gratitude to God for the good stuff and turn to him for solace for the bad stuff. It is quite simple. You simply ask yourself, in the last day/week/month what gave me consolation and what caused me desolation (or some other form of the question pair).

What joys filled my week?

Last Thursday the young adult gathering that I’ve been attending had Polish night. The pastor of the Polish parish came to say mass, for dinner women from the parish had cooked pierogies and the priest’s housekeeper golumpkies, Polish carols were song, and we did the tradition of sharing oplatki wafers. The spiritual and physical nourishment along with the fellowship makes the house feel so warm and inviting. It’s hard to leave while the place is still hopping but alas I have to get up on Friday mornings and go to work.

Sunday was such a grey and rainy day that it would have been easy to be mopey and depressed. But I attended a wonderful Advent “retreat” at the Cathedral with some of my new friends and some people I hadn’t met yet. Fr.F’s lesson was interesting and relevant, there was quiet time and the opportunity to go to confession. Unfortunately the trolley wasn’t running when I left the retreat and I don’t know the bus system at all. So I walked home in the dark and the rain. I was tired, cold, wet and hungry by the time I go home; but still happy.

What were the frustrations?

My work is not very exciting, productive or fulfilling right now. Every slight excitement is quickly brought crashing down. I’m hoping that the changes in January will bring me some peace in my job.

My new parish has a perpetual adoration chapel. I loved this fact before I even moved here. I have borrowed the key from the parish office twice since I moved here so that I could stop in and pay a visit to Jesus in the Most Blessed Sacrament. I was so excited to receive my key on Sunday so that I can visit Him anytime I want. I stopped in last night and was shocked to find the Blessed Sacrament chapel empty. According to the sign in book He’d been alone for 45 minutes when I showed up and is often alone in the darkest hours of the night. I stayed for over an hour before leaving. It simply broke my heart to see that adoration at the parish is far from perpetual. I have a scheduled weekly Holy Hour, but I will try to visit more frequently.

(I was told the title of the post was Polish for joyful and frustrated, but I claim no knowledge of Polish.)

Unbalanced

The examen, based on the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius, helps a person hold onto what spiritually nourishes him by looking at what is giving him consolation in his life or causing him desolation.

I thoroughly enjoyed the long Thanksgiving weekend with my family. I stayed with my aunt, uncle, and cousin. My brother and his wife came over for Thanksgiving dinner. He looks so much better than he has in the past. This also marks the first time in three years that he wasn’t in the hospital over Thanksgiving. I made leached mashed potatoes (with roasted garlic) for him because I knew he would eat mashed potatoes regardless. My grandmother wasn’t there as she had flown home the week before after receiving a good report from her oncologist. So many family health-related blessings to be thankful for this year. I went to the mall with my teenage cousin on Black Friday afternoon (which wasn’t so awful), then we played cards and went out for dinner while her parents attended a dinner with my uncle’s boss. Saturday afternoon I met up with a friend from grad school who’s now a law student (yikes) for coffee. Sunday found me and Tugger back home, enjoying our solitude.

This weekend I was supposed to go back to see my cousin dance in the Nutcracker ballet. My brother, sister-in-law and I had tickets for Saturday evening’s performance. However, it started snowing mid-morning on Saturday and they were forecasting one to four inches of accumulation. Since I don’t do snow, I did not go. I watched the large, wet flakes fall from my cozy position on the couch after a necessary, quick midday trip to the store for toilet paper. (Tugger played with the TP while I slept Friday night, creating his own “snow” from the last roll. Grrrr… I usually don’t replace the roll twice in five days.) It stopped snowing before midnight and the accumulation was limited to cars, rooftops, and yards. I’m disappointed to have missed the opportunity to see my cousin perform, but am happy with my decision and thrilled that there wasn’t more snow.

I and all my fellow Fellows each received our first choice placement for next year. I finally now know where I’ll be spending part of my time, still waiting on the when and with whom.

About a month ago I had problems with my subject moving during an experiment despite anesthesia and set out to “find a better way.” I found that others have forged this trail before but in a mechanical rather than biochemical fashion. Adapting this for our use seems to be a good solution. The problem is that I have no engineering background. After many emails to individuals I have never met, I found someone who is willing to help. That set off the chain reaction of trying to schedule two professors to be in the same room at the same time. With one having been in Chile last week and the other departing for Japan this week, this was not an easy task. Hopefully the meeting will go well tomorrow.

In summary I am most grateful for health, comfort, and safety for myself, my family, and my friends. I am least grateful for Tugger’s mischief and resultant consequences, unknowns, and uncertainties. Oh, I’m also grateful for the fact that this is unbalanced and heavily weighted toward the grateful side!

Appreciation of the Good

I haven’t done this in a while because I was too busy sorting things out in my head and thought that any Sleeping with Bread post would either be pessimistic or falsely cheerful. But it’s a good practice and I appreciate the weekly nudge to participate when I read the others’ posts.

After my cousin’s birthday party a few weeks ago, my aunt sent me home with a slice of cake. It was a lovely strawberry shortcake type cake. There were two layers of white cake, each topped with a layer of strawberries in syrup and surrounded by a whipped cream-like frosting. It was lovely and delicious, I’m told. I might have appreciated it if I wasn’t allergic to it. Instead I let it sit in the fridge wrapped in foil until the straw berries started to grow green spots.

I feel like many of life’s experiences lately have been like this slice of cake. They are special, given with love, and potentially delectable. But I couldn’t let myself appreciate them fully.

I have gotten involved with a young adult group from church. They meet every week for Mass, dinner and fellowship. It’s great to have met people and to have a reason to get out of my place once a week. But I’ve been stressed about not knowing anyone there. Most of them grew up in the area, know each other and have many intricate and sometimes random connections. This makes me miss my old gang of friends; we were that way too.

I live close enough to my brother that I have seen him several times in the past 6 weeks. When I first arrived, things were not going well. I hurt for him and was angry at him. Things have improved significantly; thank God. The visits are shorter, making them less intense than they used to be. But he’s still a major stressor in my life.

My new apartment is great. I get to decorate and rearrange the space. I could easily have finished unpacking all but the book boxes by now. I haven’t, however, because I cannot put some of the items in comparable locations to where they used to be. I don’t like change unless there’s a compelling reason to change. So I’m still living amongst the boxes but undecided about where to put their contents.

I have been using my newness as an excuse for my low productivity. That needs to change… soon. The extra tasks that come with a new job and home can no longer exclude the routine tasks. I may not like the newness but in time it will become familiar. I’ve done it before, I can do it again.

Eventually, I will know where places are that people talk about. I will have routines and regular habits. I will know more than a few people and share in their life stories. Until then

To learn more about the examen and the weekly Sleeping with Bread meme and/or to read other people’s weekly reflections, click here.

Count It All Joy

The last two, possibly even three, weeks seemed so short and yet incredibly long. I spent so much time at the office and have been keeping strange hours. On Thursday afternoon (the week before last) I was sure that it was Wednesday and almost convinced a coworker of it. *sigh*

“Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” (James 1: 2-4)

I have a wonderfully sweet yet mischievous kitten. When I haven’t been home much or have been working while home, he will do things he knows he’s not supposed to because it gets him attention. Oh, I love the little stinker. But coming home to toilet paper confetti is not amusing. And one handed typing is slow… But how could I saw no to this?

I went to see “the guys” in honor of Saturday’s

feast day last weekend. BT gave me such a wonderful bear hug and told me he has a story to tell me next time I come over. :) Since I didn’t see BT this Friday when I visited again, I am still savoring the anticipation. A few of the other guys and I celebrated Friday’s achievement in good STL Catholic nerd style—Holy Hour with Benediction followed by Ted Drewes.

Phase One of my big project at work is complete. However, since I was late for that one, Phase Two is bearing down quickly. At least it doesn’t involve writing. ;)

I have had two reasons to bake in the past two weeks. Hooray for surprising people with cake on their birthday! (It’s an even bigger surprise when it’s almost a week belated. It was enjoyed by the birthday girl and colleagues just the same.) I firmly believe that everyone needs cake for their birthday. Now, how to get a cake to someone almost 2000 miles away this week?

Of course, all these consolations buffer some desolation which weighs heavy upon my heart. My sister had to make the terrible decision to have her dog put down. (Holly was the family dog, but more so T’s.) It was sudden, unexpected and devastating to her. She is grieving. This week she’s visiting our brother. I hope that the physical distance will help her to move on and that she and JJ will bring some joy to each other’s hearts. Even Mom’s dog noticed Holly’s absence when T went home on her way to the airport, racing back to T’s room and then going back to wait at the front door expecting Holly to come in too.

To keep in mind this week:

"Perfection is not attainable, but we must chase perfection in order to catch excellence." --Vince Lombardi

To learn more about the wekly meme Sleeping with Bread and/or to read other people's reflections, click here.

It's Monday

I realize that it’s been a while since I posted anything for the weekly Sleeping with Bread. I am writing my dissertation and that’s been more than enough writing for me each day. Spending so much time in front of the glowing rectangle makes one day seem like another and gives little variation to each day. Last Monday I seriously thought that it was Wednesday all day. *sigh*



I am happy to be writing a Sleeping with Bread post, on the right day. It is a wonderful reminder to find the good in life. Too many things threaten to overwhelm me at present, and I will admit that a few times in the past weeks I have succumbed.



When did I feel most whole?
I spent this past weekend with my mother in southern California to attend my godbrother’s wedding. I had a wonderful time. We visited my mother’s alma mater, toured two Missions, and ate a lot of good food. It was great to see my godsibs. J and J seem really happy with their new bride and fiancé respectively. The littlest, who’s starting college this fall, is so sweet; I’m looking forward to spending more time with her in the near future.
When was I least free?
I have spent many days in my windowless office. Without natural light or other external cues it is easy to lose track of time. Mid-afternoon easily slips into early evening and the day is gone. When I suddenly realize that several hours have passed and my progress doesn’t seem commensurate to the time, it is easy to feel discouraged.


When did I feel most drained of life?
After staying up all night to try to meet a deadline, early Saturday morning I headed out the girls’ camp where I’d volunteered to chaperone (months ago thinking that the writing would be completed or at least better under control). When R found out that I had been up all night, she sent me home. I had been looking forward to spending time with the girls, playing outside, and getting away from my thesis. So this was quite a disappointment, but it was nice to nap all afternoon.



For what am I most grateful?
Encouragement from friends is a wonderful anchor. DT has declared himself my biggest cheerleader. While my sometimes grumpy self doesn’t want to hear him say “I’m proud of you” when I have worked hard but failed to meet the goal, he definitely lifts my spirits. He sat at my office while I worked a few nights ago, surfing the net, reading his book, and sending me the occasional e-mail. “Go get'em… XD I'll be right behind you... literally.”



When did I give and receive the most love? The least love?
The kitteh can be the cause of both smiles and tears. My big boy is now capable of jumping onto the kitchen counter and stove, a dangerous place for him to be. Not being able to fit into small spaces that used to be his refuges frustrates him, so he cries, which in turn frustrates me. I yelled at him one night last week when scolding him for being on the counter again; afterwards he slunk off, hid behind the toilet, and wouldn’t let me near him. My stressed-out self burst into tears, frustrated that I had scared the kitteh who obviously did not comprehend what I was saying but was frightened by the tone and volume of my voice :(
I gave Tugger a new toy yesterday to distract him while I tried to get some work done. He started batting it around, having a great time. Five minutes later he was whining... I searched and couldn’t find that toy. Later I opened a cardboard box into a tube and gave it to him as a toy, saying that there was no way he could lose that one. ;)


May I remember to hold the bread tight, so that I may experience the peace necessary to get the rest which I need in order to keep hanging on.


Sweet dreams and God bless.

Best of Times, Worst of Times

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way."
--Charles Dickens

The oxymoronic juxtaposition of ideas is how I am feeling about my work at present. It is stressful and exciting, wonderful and depressing… usually all in the same day. The days seem interminably long, and yet they are quickly ticking away.

I have struggled this week to complete my work and be supportive to my friends and colleagues. One was asked to re-write his dissertation last week. We’re collaborators, and one chapter of each of our theses is mostly the same and is supposed to be submitted as a manuscript for publication. Another, SS, is still working up the data to include in her thesis which is due this week. We’re office-mates, and it’s hard to watch her under pressure to finish writing. (She’s taken two breaks to go home, one early this morning to shower and one this evening for dinner and to feed her cats, but has otherwise been at work since 4pm Sunday and plans to be here through Tuesday afternoon!) Two colleagues also successfully passed their dissertation defenses last week. Congrats to Drs. Li and Sun. Half of my graduate school classmates (those who made it through the first two years) have now graduated. And the reason I am dreading August’s approach (as Antonia questioned below) is because my completed dissertation is due at the beginning of the month, and I will have my oral defense later in the month. This is an enormous task. DT has declared himself by biggest cheerleader; so far, he’s doing a wonderful job.

This week writing must take a back seat to presentation preparations. Today I have prepared slides for a presentation that I will be giving to visitors tomorrow morning and that I wasn’t asked to prepare until Sunday night. Next week I’m going to a conference where I will give an oral presentation for which I need to finish preparing sides and give a practice talk. It’s nice to take a break from literature reviewing and writing, but I am anxious to have a complete draft of my thesis read by my advisor before I must submit it to the entire committee.

My consolations and desolations are so intertwined at this point and work is nearly all consuming during the week. I need to restore some balance. The "work hard, play hard" mentality doesn't work well for me.

To read more people's SWB posts, click the image above.

Wishing you all a blessed week... good night.

Productive

Sleeping with Bread is a Monday meme based on the examen, part of the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius s of Loyola. It helps a person hold onto what spiritually nourishes him by looking at what is giving him consolation in his life or causing him desolation. It allows someone to express his gratitude to God for the good stuff and turn to him for solace for the bad stuff. It is quite simple. You simply ask yourself, in the last day/week/month what gave me consolation and what caused me desolation.

When did I feel most alive?
The big boss’ 70th birthday was this weekend. The secretaries organized a surprise birthday happy hour for him on Friday afternoon. Food, drinks, stories of days of yore, and a break from working in the late afternoon… What’s not to like?
A friend of mine started a monthly dinner outing “club” over two years ago as a way to explore the various ethnic restaurants in St. Louis. He’s moving in a few weeks so he declared this past Saturday the last one. We went to a Russian bistro—the food was great, the staff was wonderful, but it was slow. We enjoyed a 3 hour dinner including Russian pop music and dancing during dessert. It was fun, but it’s kind of bittersweet. (But someone else has agreed to take it up after he’s gone so it’s not over.)
Who can't feel alive when they have a furball like my Rum Tum who purrs and curls up with them in the morning?

When did I feel most drained of life?
Adjusting to new meds… side effect seems to be yawning all the time, but it’s not linked to sleepiness.
I’m working on a major project due in less than two months while trying to handle all of the smaller tasks that are part of each week and prepare for September. I am concerned about meeting my deadline, but more so I am worried about a friend. Her deadline is a month earlier than mine, and she’s struggling. It’s been nice to share this process with her and be able to commiserate, but she needs to be more productive. I would really like to help encourage her to get it done. My personal cheerleader has offered to cheer her on too (knowing what it means to me), but she’s withdrawing. Prayers for SS would be appreciated.
I’ve mentioned in other posts the integrity issues and my dealings with the ethics and compliance office. While I know that I have done the right thing, grappling with this issue has been quite trying.

Wishing you all a productive and gratifying week. God bless.

Mostly

Yesterday got away from me without a chance to post my weekly bread. Intraoffice and interdepartmental politics (two of my least favorite things) have consumed too much of my time already this week. Here are my mostly positive reflections for the past week and today.

When was I most free last week?

After submitting a report to my boss on Friday evening (after COB but technically done on Friday), it left me free to enjoy the weekend. (Actually I used a fair portion of the weekend to catch-up on non-work things.)

When in the past week did I feel least myself?
Somehow I have gotten into a sort of nocturnal routine. I like having the office to myself in the evenings; I feel more productive. But I am a morning person. It feels odd to get up hours after the sun.

For what am I most grateful today?
I received a travel award to attend a meeting later this summer.


When did I feel most connected today?
I had an hour and a half of down time while at work this evening. DT came over and we went for a walk in the park (despite the excessive heat warning). Sunset was lovely.

When did I give and receive the most love?
I cuddled and played with Tugger before leaving for work this morning.


When did I have the least sense of belonging?
I have been wrestling with an ethical dilemma at work. Yesterday I was convinced that I am obliged to report it, so I made an appointment to discuss it with the powers-that-be tomorrow afternoon. They'll decide whether the allegation needs to be pursued. (I know that it's the right thing to do, but it's really difficult.)

Cat Naps

Sleeping With Bread is a Monday meme based on the practice of examen, a time of stopping to review the week or day and seeking to be more aware of God’s presence.

For what am I most grateful?
For BD for so many things this week… I was busy at the Cathedral last week, and he helped clean up after liturgies twice. He got me from the Sacristy yesterday, so that we could go to Mass together last night.
For an honest conversation with a friend… Not all that was said were things that either of us wanted to say or hear, but it is better to have it out in the open. It’s far better than speculating.
For beautiful liturgies… Besides the festivities for the new Archbishop’s Installation which were delightful, yesterday was the Solemnity of Corpus Christi. It did not rain yesterday (!) and the Eucharistic Procession was lovely. I missed half of it due to my role in preparing the Cathedral for the procession’s return, but I managed to catch-up at the third stational altar. It was so gratifying to hear one of the seminarians say that he almost cried upon reentering the Cathedral at the end of the Procession because it was so beautiful.

For what am I least grateful?
For confusion and uncertainty regarding a changing relationship... From experience I know that entering and leaving religious formation has a huge impact on the dynamics of friendships. This time it feels a little overwhelming.
For exhaustion… I am so tired that I really should pass out easily, but I lie in bed awake for some reason. Unfortunately when I do fall asleep, it’s been more like cat napping, a few hours here and there. Sigh. Now that the pace of activity can slow down a bit, I am hopeful that this will resolve itself.

Random tidbits:
Mel suggested a virtual tour of the Cathedral in a comment on one of last week’s posts. I think it’s a lovely idea and will work on it.
We borrowed a statue of St. John Vianney for the second stational altar for yesterday’s Eucharistic Procession. After the seminarians delivered him: “The Curé of Ars is in residence at the convent.” “How scandalous.” Best laugh of the weekend.
I have a new distraction in my life who deserves an introduction post of his own. Look for a picture tomorrow.

Fais Do Do

“Anyone whose sense of well-being depends upon stock market quotations, weather forecasts, or the statistics of a public opinion pollster will be constantly on edge, ‘afraid of evil tidings.’ Those who listen in faith to God’s word and respond in praise, however, have foundations of eternity built into the structure of their soul and thereby acquire a firm heart.”
–Eugene Patterson, Praying with the Psalms

The concept of Sleeping with Bread comes from the story that in the aftermath of WWII bombing raids many children were orphaned a left to stave. The fortunate ones who were rescued and taken to refugee camps had lost so much that they still had difficulty sleeping. Someone had the idea to give them a piece of bread to hold at night to remind them that “Today I ate and I will eat again tomorrow.” Their piece of bread became what many of us would call a security blanket.
Sleeping with Bread encourages one to examine what is that piece of bread for you. What is it that helps you overcome your fears and sleep at night? What gives you the assurance of God’s presence with you each and every day in the midst of the changing scenes of your life?

This week my “bread” literally has been food which sustains me physically and psychologically.
BD knew that I was working hard of Friday on a report that was due that day. He’d expected me to be done in time for dinner, but when I wasn’t, he brought dinner to me. Then he kept me company while I finished working.
Saturday I took time to cook dinner--baked chicken stuffed with pesto and cheese, pasta with pesto, wilted mustard greens, and brownies. Immersing myself in the sensory pleasures of the kitchen is a change of pace, a change of venue, and a change of mind. (Having leftover pesto and brownies is nice too.)

Conversely, desolation lies in those encounters, relationships, thoughts that drain us deep down. The moments that exhausted me this week were times when I was already feeling depleted, bumbling through the day.
Interactions (or lack there-of) with my SIL are frustrating. Could we all please be mature and courteous, even when it’s a little outside of one’s comfort zone.
Needing to have a difficult ethics discussion with my advisor. She is ultimately the responsible party and has a right to know. It still leaves me feeling like a tattle tale.

I need a nap now, but be sure to check out what others are sharing over at the Sleeping with Bread blog.

Good Idea, Bad Idea

Good idea… A Saturday evening picnic supper in the park, watching the clouds, semi-napping in the sun, followed by a performance of The Merry Wives of Windsor, set in the 1920s. (I love the annual Shakespeare in the Park festival.)
Bad idea… Not being adequately prepared for the soggy ground caused by that morning’s rain showers.

Good idea… Agreeing to take part in a secret mission after Mass. Upon being asked by a bystander what we were doing as we left the sacristy, VS called out "Saving the liturgy and saving the world." ;)
Bad idea… Doing dirty work in the tower while wearing a white shirt and sandals. I didn't plan for the dusty mess when I dressed on Sunday morning.

The last two weeks were filled with some difficult days although there were many things to smile about. Many upheavals have interrupted the normal rhythm of life--friends moving away or just leaving for the summer, new schedules and adaptations. I'll be happier when it all settles down.
More significantly, I spent a few days visiting my brother! It's such a blessing to be able to spend time with him, and yet it can be so challenging.

Wishing you all a beautiful and blessed week.

No Rest for the Wicked

The things that make our lives hectic are often the things that make our lives worth living. If we did not have these demands on our lives, we would be without purpose. I am reminded of an old saying: “There is no rest for the wicked and the righteous don’t need any.”
God orders the lives of His children. It is up to us to decide how we view what He allows. We can see things as tiresome bothers, or we can see them as blessings. God won’t allow anything in our lives that He doesn’t give us the grace and strength to handle.

When did I give and receive the most love?

I had family in town to visit late last week (a first since I moved here five years ago). It is so wonderful to spend time with them and to have them here to celebrate the completion of this phase of life with me.
Most of “the guys” are preparing to leave for their summer assignments and saying goodbye. One gave me two books to read from a class he took last semester and wrote inside: “Always remember that we are your brothers who love you.” They treat me like a kid sister, and I will miss that this summer.
My good friend SG was wed this weekend. While I was disappointed that I had to miss the nuptial Mass, I was able to celebrate with them at the reception.

When did I give and receive the least love?

Looking at the lengthy to-do list last week and contemplating all that I had to do before mid-day Thursday. And I’m staring down a long one for this week already, with several items left over from last week.
The results of an experiment were confirmed and not with the desired result. The collaborators are disappointed and want me to “fix it.” I have some suggestions for them, but there’s nothing more that I can do at this point.

The secret to managing all of the stressors is to keep relying on God. Remember the promise in Philippians 4:13—“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me”—and sleep in peace.

To read more people's weekly bread, check here.

Joys and Sorrows

"Beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Keep on doing the things that you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you."
--Philippians 4: 7-9

Witnessing the joy, grace, and blessings that flow from the ordinations upon the ordinandi and all those present
The sweet earnestness of my sister
Highly productive week at work

“Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.”
--Psalm 55: 22

Two who are dear to me suffering and in the hospital
Saying goodbye to a dear friend after a short visit
Exhaustion because there’s so much to do and far too little time

Thank you, Father, for having created us
and giving us to each other in the human family.
Thank you for being with us in all our joys and sorrows,
for your comfort in our sadness,
your companionship our loneliness.
Thank you for friends, for health, and for grace.
Amen.

Tardy

I proctored a final exam which started at 8 o’clock this morning. Three students came between 45 and 70 minutes late. Contrary to popular belief, we are compassionate, especially during finals. So they got to start in a different room and have the full two hours to take their respective exams. The shocker of the day, however, came from a student known for being chronically late. He showed up more than an hour after the exam ended asking to take his exam. I meant it when I said we're compassionate… After he said that swore on a stack of Torah’s that he hadn’t spoken to anyone about the exam, he got to take the exam. (And he did well too.)

Obviously my weekly Sleeping with Bread post hit the snooze alarm a few too many times. It’s quite late, but I hope you’ll be lenient.

When did I feel most fully myself?
I baked cookies for “the guys” and a birthday cake for BD. I enjoy coking and to see how much delight the sweet treats bring warms my heart.
Sunday I enjoyed the spring weather and the companionship of two friends. After brunch with a few friends, NA and I went for a walk in the park. We prayed the rosary as we circled the pond concluding with a Litany of the Saints that we made up as we went. In the evening, I convinced BD to take a walk with me around the campus. We sat on a bench at the end of the field and talked until after dark. I always appreciate when I can take Sunday as a day of rest and honor the Lord’s Day.

When did I feel least myself?
I worked several long days to make progress on a project. Despite the popular saying “Bad planning on your part does not necessarily constitute an automatic emergency on my part,” my boss has deemed that my contribution to someone else’s project takes precedence over the need to work on my own project. I’m struggling to get over my frustration that his needs seem to outweigh mine when we each are striving for the same larger goal with our projects.
I have bronchitis and am tired of coughing. BP called out hello to me as I got off the elevator the other day even though he was down the hall and around the corner, saying “I’d know that cough anywhere.”

I wish you all a blessed week and peaceful slumber.